Parenthood: Lessons Upon Entry

Parenthood has been the biggest learning experience of my life. I have always been a lover of learning. I’m the one geeking out to go to continuing education trainings and talk about scoring psychological testing like a kid talking about Disneyland. I buy books on self-help at least weekly. I am a seeker of knowledge and a introspection addict. I literally make a profession out of learning about the lives of others. Enter parenthood. The most intense, ever changing, continuously challenging lesson of my life. When I became a parent, everything felt difficult. As if I was in constant resistance with the universe, everything was a fight and took such effort. My beautiful fearless, fiery, passionate daughter pushed me in every area. Why wouldn’t she sleep? Why couldn’t I comfort her? Why couldn’t we learn each other enough to breastfeed effortlessly? Why couldn’t I deal with this new role without feeling my heart freezing up, stopping for a few painful seconds like a hand clenching it, only to return to beating faster than necessary? Why did I feel like I wasn’t good at this parenting thing? I was good at learning. I loved it. Lived for it. But this was different. Foreign language.

One day, the fog lifted and light bulb. I realized that this struggle was part of the lesson. There is something to be gleaned from this entry and once I understood this, everything let go and I entered the flow. Like clenched muscles releasing their grip, I relaxed and let it sweep me up, away, and eager to see what I could find. Let the learning begin. Early on, I came to see how my childhood, my trauma, my undeveloped emotional state, my messy, my human were in the spotlight when I faced any type of resistance. I understood that this is how i have always been but I had never had a relationship that I couldn’t take space from to calm down or to return to love quickly. I learned that parenthood doesn’t take breaks or give me space to find my skills. It pushes, challenges, and requires one to stay on while in the midst of the breakdown. I learned that this is where the work comes in. This is where my children teach ME how to teach THEM these skills. “Mommy needs to calm her body down. Want to breathe with mommy?” Inhale. Exhale. “Mommy needs to exercise to release her anger. Want to exercise with me?” It is still hard. I am still a human. But I am so willing to learn this lesson. And the next. I am thankful that my children love to teach and learn as much as I do.